The words I communicate to my fellow readers and friends, come from the heart. Lately, there’s been a harmonious flow of energy and information between my heart and my mind. I speak the truth and what feels right, but I also dissect with my mind the things others express and also what I say to others. He told me once to try to listen to the things that I say and it has been incorporated, I hear myself speaking and I analyze the tone and content of my words.
I must confess, I overanalyze and I am aware of it. For one weekend, I had the opportunity to meet with a friend, who is still in high school, experiencing an interesting phase in her life. My current relationship has given me the patience to pause and focus the conversation on the person speaking to me. I desire to give and gain from interactions. For about two days, we discussed conflict resolution, communication, philosophies of life and what we called “self-discovery.” The moment felt right and so I ran with it. From late night conversations, to exercises, to feedback, the time spent was solely for her benefit. My primary goal was to see her walk away that Sunday with her mom, knowing that she had new perceptions and a mind opened wider to reflect more effectively while seeking to understand others. In the process, I was enjoying the discovery of her soul, her mind, and in realizing that my life has provided me with experiences that affect my way of viewing things. Every conversation, friendship, or relationship is a crossing of one’s path of life. The crosses, drawn in chalk, come in different colors and sizes, but they create this abstract image for every person and they affect us on a variety of levels. Or at least, that is my visualization of human interaction.
I cannot view things simply, nor would I desire to do so. In viewing the calm atmosphere outside the window of the library, I am left to ponder why outside seems peaceful and motionless compared to the thoughts firing in this mind. The street lantern stands high and tall, not a slight flinch or movement caused by the wind or icy temperature, deeply grounded with determination. The leaves that have not yet seen their moment of glory in Autumn, have not been given the window of opportunity to fall with grace and beauty, await patiently for the “right time.” A moment that we, in our own lives, struggle to find, that frustrates us for the uncertainty that the phrase brings. Simultaneously, the sun sets, ending a day with as much tranquility as it began, no tears of remorse, no unexpressed feelings, no guilt for the unachieved or wounds to heal. The observation of our external environment to change, to accept with no prejudice, and to embrace the seasons or the climate as it arrives unannounced. Creatures of this world, our sophisticated capabilities and desire to control leads to our different perceptions and reactions. Are you impatient, uncomfortable by uncertainty, a dreamer at heart, a frustrated thinker or an element of every wave in the ocean, every current in the river? Do you run or do you float?
I pondered on the last question and finally asked my neighbor as she reads beside me “do you run or do you float?” And she replied “it depends, I’d like to think that I float, but when faced with uncertainty or an unfamiliar situation I run, out of fear I run.” So I insist that you ask yourself the same, following it up with “what do you fear and is it worth fearing?”
Why do we desire to let go more deeply, to float more smoothly, while making no efforts to achieve that? Why do we desire that which is unachievable, unreachable, only possible in a parallel world?
The neurons in my brain have been knitted into a knot that can only be untangled with the power of my mind, without even brief contact or help from my able human hands. The situations that I have faced lately and the questions that have been raised brought no clarification or peace of knowledge. In response to this frustration, he replied “reflect my dear. Just know some reflections do not come with clear cut answers such as a mirror, but blurry learning experiences like a reflection off water. Stand your ground against your thoughts and ease your mind.”
Many have crossed my path, triggering questions and observations from the most minute details or reactions, but I am certainly grateful to have fallen in love with another complex mind. To think of it, I fell with ease among analytics, music, language, and humor. To discover another mind, another world… to speculate for the mere desire of intellectual stimulation… that is my passion!