The first letter on a blank page is sometimes the hardest one to trace. Overwhelmed with emotions, thoughts so powerful your fingers begin to surf the keys of your laptop. Your eyes look for clarity and find the irony of smoke from the incense, straight up to the ceiling at first glance, gradually transforming to curls of chaos before reaching its destination. Your ear drums soothed by guitar and soft voices. You look up to see the smoke dance around your head like a discreet child trying to make you smile. The smell soothes your open wound.
Sometimes reality is hard to conceptualize. On the train tracks of your own train, do you ever question everything you never questioned? Are you truly happy or do you pretend to be, so well that you begin to believe it? I stopped believing in justice a long time ago, maybe when I gave up my dream to become an attorney, and I came to the realization that life is just life. The wind blows and dominoes collapse, a car speeds into another and two lives are lost, a wave rises too high and takes a village. It isn’t about being positive or negative, but about accepting the existence of all without judgement.
On a personal level, author Ruiz will make the argument that we are perfect just the way we are and when we change, it is to express the love we feel for ourselves. Change is not a prerequisite to self-love. The same concept applies to life, death, and all that comes in between. He preaches intrinsic value without using the term. You love you, why? Because you are you. You were part of a tragic episode? You take the experience and let it fuel spiritual growth.
Why mention justice? It is only too often that we hear someone protesting “it’s unfair!” Yes, I say we, because you and I are not all too different. People want to belong, “we” expresses that I accept you within my thought process as an audience and as another mind exploring these thoughts I share. As a reader, you come closer to my mind and heart than some people I see every day.
Look up! Red light blinds your eyes. Foot on the brake pedal. Abrupt stop. Let your mind go blank, your lungs fill with a sigh of surprise, and the adrenaline pump through your veins. Remember, accidents are by nature unpredictable. Distractions on the road can be fatal. Along the same logic, lack awareness in present moments and your life will pass you by. “Death isn’t sad. The sad thing is that most people never live at all” (Dan Millman).
Back to the subject at hand. Do you practice your wisdom? Writers know very well how to preach. Deep down in your heart you may choose to agree with me (or even disagree) on the existence, (or nonexistence), of pure justice. You may have other beliefs or standards. Do you ever question them? Do you ever contradict your words with your actions? We are emotional bodies, not always logically synchronized with our beliefs.
I didn’t protest, “it’s unfair,” I didn’t think it either. Instead, this time, I just thought “it’s unfortunate.” My heart felt the similar pinch and I sighed in disappointment. How could one person take everything you ever thought to be true and make you question your self image, the one thing you are suppose to confidently know? There is nothing more powerful than the words of someone who knows the strategy to manipulate the thoughts that create your reality. The mind is founded on a belief system, but even the hardest soil can be shattered by an earthquake.
They say words only weigh as heavy as you let them, yet how much power do you really have? He accused me of being incapable to love. Used a metaphor here and there, in between expressed that “maybe your narcissistic tendencies and BPD will forever mask who you truly are.” Yet reassured me that “we are at peace.” An email sent from an account that has now been deleted. I could not have replied if I tried. Message delivery error. I paused, before letting a wave of emotions take over, placed my feet back in the present moment, “I am happier today than I was months ago.” That realization alone gave me peace to admit that his words had only one purpose, make me feel belittled. My best friend laughed as his ridiculous statements, rolled her eyes at his attempt to once again hurt the person he has claimed to love. I felt relief that all communication bridges had been burned to pieces and drowned in the dark river of yesterday.
A peaceful separation only because I made a commitment to myself, to love the breaths and gifts I was given. Without a tear of goodbye because my life is better without someone manipulating my emotions. However, I also finally understood the fear that creeps up. I am not afraid to love, nor to trust another with my heart, I am only fearful that my mind may lack the clarity to distinguish reality and misconceived conceptions of others or those he made me believe.